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Duke Nukem and Hulk Hogan's Fantastic Adventure 3
One time, there was a little homosexual nigger, wearing a hooded thing, walking down the street on a dark, rainy night, with a bag over his shoulder filled with dissolved-like fecal matter. He ran into a big hairy honkey, wearing a festive Hawaiian shirt, carrying a sack with a green dollar sign on it. The nigger said "Hey you, give me that money. I need it to fund my evil project." The honkey held his bag tightly. "NO!!" he cried. "FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU," said the little nigger, and shot a rainbow out of his mouth, killing the honkey instantly, and he took the bag of money. Now he had two bags. But then, Soulja Boy Tell 'Em was taking his daily night stroll. He always takes his stroll, even if the weather is shit. Soulja Boy saw the nigger, and said "YO YOU LITTLE BITCH, DON'T TAKE THINGS THAT DON'T BELONG TO YOU, OR I'LL USE MY SUPER SAIYAN SWAGGER ON YOU." The little nigger looked up. "You... you're the one that took my beloved anal ornaments away. I have been concocting a plan to destroy you and your friends." Soulja Boy ran towards the little nigger, but he disappeared in a puff of rainbows and flowers. His voice echoed "FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU." Soulja Boy decided that it was best to get his best Gs together, and combat the nigger menace, so he called them up on his cell phone and they decided to talk about it at Monk's Cafe from Seinfeld. The four met there. "So, my homies, that little fag bitch we stole the Dragon Balls from, he's going to try and get his revenge on us." said Soulja Boy. And Duke and Hulk were like "what?!" and Brook was like "oh my." Soulja Boy then said "it seems he is going to try and get his best motherfuckers to jump us. Do you think we should ask 'those three' for help?" But before anyone could answer, a loud roar form outside quickly approached them. A car smashed into the window by Soulja Boy and his Gs' table! The driver, giving the finger, clearly did this intentionally. It was none other than Robo Dr. Luigi! He gave the finger to them, because he wished to place his finger up all of their asses. Robo Dr. Luigi took out a lazer cannon and shot at their table, and then with the help of deus ex machina, SMBZ quickly jumped in the way, pulled down his pants, stuck his ass in the air and took the laser beam up the ass for the gang. "Whoa...!! Who are you?" asked Duke. "They call me SMBZ!" said SMBZ. "Why did you save us?!!" yelled Hulk. "What? I was saving you? I just wanted some love from Luigi" said SMBZ, so then Robo Dr. Luigi's cannon got all messed up from SMBZ's Swedish ass, so he could no longer attack. "YOU HAVE RUINED MY PLAN," yelled Robo Dr. Luigi. "But know this," he continued, "you four will never locate my master's evil base or his evil secret creation. Very soon, you and everyone in this Dotforsaken town will be dead." He then self-destructed, and SMBZ died because he was standing right by him. "Yo ho ho, it looks like things are more serious than we imagined..." said Brook. The four nackamas decided to head somewhere safe. "It can't be my place! And Brook lives on a pirate ship which is who-the-fuck-knows where, and Soulja Boy lives in an apartment not too far from mine. Where can we--" Duke paused. "Wait a minute... Hulk! Where do you live? Would it be safe for us to camp out for a little bit to come up with a plan?" Hulk ran his fingers through his whiteblonde hair. "Well, you see... I built this little restaurant called Pastamania, that gets hardly any customers. The wife kicked me out, so I've been living there. It's up in the mountains, so we should be safe there. And we'll have plenty of pasta to eat in case we're hungry," said Hulk. So, Duke said "great! That's perfect! They'll never find us there! How do we get to your restaurant?" Hulk paused. With a deep breath, he shouted as loud as humanly possible, "FLYIIIIIING NIIIIIMBUUUUUUS" Brook then said "wow! Careful! We don't want the enemies to find us. That was really loud, y'know? It was so loud that it made my ears ring. But I don't have any ears! SKULL JOKE! YO HO HO HO!!" Hulk apologized. The four tried to pile up on the Flying Nimbus, but they were just too much weight. "Shit man, what do we do now?" asked Soulja Boy. A light bulb appeared over Hulk's head. "I invented this so I could get to Pastamania in case of an emergency. All you have to do, is clap your hands three times, while saying 'Pas-ta-MANIA!' Alright, on the count of three..." Hulk's friends thought this ritual was rather retarded, but they did it anyway. And suddenly, they found themselves outside Pastamania. So then, Duke asked Hulk "But man, I thought you said you keep your woman in check?" "Who cares? She's a bitch” said Hulk. "Let’s go inside, where my daughter is inside preparing plentiful amounts of pasta for us to eat." “A daughter?” asked Brook. “Yes, Brook. She has big titties, so feel free to have sex with her as much as you want. I know you two are meant for each other, because her name is Brooke!” said Hulk. “Yo ho ho! I’ve got a boner! YO HO!! SKULL JOKE!!” said Brook. Then, they all went inside. Brook and Brooke spotted eachother, and it was love at first sight. "Hey sexy, do you wanna fuck me?" Brooke asked Brook. "Yo ho ho, abso-fucking-lutely!" said Brook. The two scurried to the kitchen and closed the door. They tried to fuck. Brooke was kind of lost since Brook didn't really have a penis, but they both had fun sexy times. Meanwhile, outside of the kitchen, Duke remembered what Soulja Boy said at the restaurant before the bullshit happened and said “hey, about what you said... who are ‘those three’ you were referring to?” Soulja Boy stood up from the comfortable chair he was in. “Oh yeah. Drey. I’m talking about three of my homies who I haven’t seen in a long time, but I’m sure they’ll be powerful allies” said Soulja Boy. “Who are they...?” asked Hulk. “The Sci-Fi Brothers!” said Soulja Boy, with a bright, confident smile on his face. So then, a blinding glare blinded them suddenly. It was actually the glare from some guy in the restaurant's bald head. "Hello. My name is Kevin," said McBaldy. Then, a skinny little kid wearing a Sonic hat and pressing buttons on a Guitar Hero guitar burst through the door "fsfhsudfhs my name nick" said Upload. Then, a normal-looking person wearing glasses calmly walked in after him. "Hey, I'm Mike, but my friends call me Sci-Fi" said Sci-Fi. "And we are," they all said in unison, "THE SCI-FI BROTHERS!" They posed just like the Ginyu Force. “Wow, how will they be able to help us?” asked Duke. So Soulja Boy then said "It is them who has the abtgh. They will be a great help in our mission. SHIT SHIT."“me smart! me build arcade machine but it take 2 years! me just need parts, then me can build arcade machine to take down whoever da bad guy are” said Upload. McBaldy stepped forward. "And me, I can use the shine from my bald head to blind the bad guys, and I can also show them pictures of my hot girlfriend to make them nauseous. I can also skateboard off of this mountain with a pair of scissors in my hand, so I can shove it up their buttholes." Upload heard the part about "hot girlfriend" and ran away scared, so Sci-Fi had to go find him and calm him down and bring him back. Duke and Hulk thought that these guys were quite bizarre, but the perfect allies. “What do you do, Sci-Fi?” asked Hulk. “Me? I’m the captain of the Sci-Fi Brothers. Even though Upload is smart, I’m smarter and the most talented, and I have great leadership. By the way, McBaldy, your girlfriend broke up with you, remember?” said Sci-Fi, so then McBaldy cried, and tried to create a grudge list, but he couldn't figure out how to spell grudge, so he cried even more. Duke and Hulk were weirded out a bit. Upload was standing on a table, pretending to play Guitar Hero with his Guitar Hero guitar. Brook and Brooke returned from the kitchen, with their arms around each other, carrying bowls of pasta. Everyone was hungry, but something was wrong with this pasta. THERE WAS SEMEN ALL OVER IT. So everyone decided not to eat it. But Upload didn’t care, so he ate all the bowls of pasta. “Bitch, make some more pasta for us, but this time without semen” said Brook to Brooke. Brooke then said "You fucking ass, YOU'RE the one who somehow got semen all over it with your non-existant penis!" said Brooke. Then she kicked him in the balls, but remembered he didn't have balls either. But somehow he was kicked in the balls without having balls, so he winced in pain and dropped to his knees. So then Brooke went to the kitchen to make more pasta. Everyone else was gathered around the table, trying to figure out a plan. So Soulja Boy, Duke, Hulk, McBaldy and Sci-Fi all huddled for a plan, while Brook, Brooke, and Upload were doing other things in the room. Hulk came up with the first part of the plan and said "First, we gotta find out where this douchebag's hiding. That robot said we'd never find it, but this kid's the Emperor of Gayness, so that narrows it down a bit." He pulled out a map of Duke City he just happened to have on hand, and drew circles around all the gay bars. Then, the group heard some sounds. They looked over, and saw Brook and Brooke attempting sexual intercourse, and Upload next to them drawing arcade machines. “Brook!” yelled Soulja Boy. “Yes? What is it, bra?” asked Brook. McBaldy got pissed and yelled “HE IS NOT A BRA,” so then he jumped up and ran over to them. "Are you a mag or fag?!?!?!" He asked. Brook said "Well, I'm not a faggot, so I guess a mag?" he replied. "HAHAHA. MAG IS MALE ASS GRABBER AND FAG IS FEMALE ASS GRABBER!" Brook made a "-_-" face. Then he pointed to his other hand which was feeling up Brooke's ass. "Does this look like male ass grabber to you?" he asked. McBaldy made a "^_^;;;" face and returned to the table. So, Sci-Fi apologized on behalf of McBaldy's actions. “Sorry, he tends to get that way whenever someone mentions a bra.” Soulja Boy said “not a problem,” and they all went back and continued discussing the plan. Duke then said "Okay, now, once we find the base, I say we just storm it and kick everyone's ass. Hulk and I are two of the strongest warriors in the universe! And we have you all helping us, there's no way we'll be to... to feated." Everyone agreed. "Yo yo yo man, I'm beat," said Soulja Boy. "I say we get some shut-eye and fuck up them pretzels first thing tomorrow." And Brook said “Yeah! I get to sleep with Brooke! Is that okay with you, Hulk?” Hulk then said “oh yes, go right ahead! Please! Have sex with her as much as you want!” So everyone layed out some blankets and pillows on the various tables, and tried to sleep. They had some trouble though, as Brook and Brooke were moaning all night. But they had plenty of coffee on hand to give them a boost the next morning. So, the next morning, Brooke made them all some Spaghetti-O's and coffee for breakfast. The coffee made Duke have to take a shit though, so he told everyone to go on without him. So they went and searched every gay bar, until they were leaving the last one on the list. As they were leaving, Spencer was on his way in. Spencer said "Those fools will never find me in a gay bar." Soulja Boy stopped everyone. "Yo yo yo, I know that voice." So they all peeked back through the door, and saw Spencer entering a room that said "VIP ONLY." He scanned his fingerprints to enter the room, and then the door closed shut. "C'mon, let's go!" said Soulja Boy. "But we don't have his fingerprints!" Brook reminded him, Brooke hanging onto him. Brooke said “I can put the tit from one of my boobs on the scanner, and it’ll pick it up as a fingerprint!” Brook threw Brooke to the floor. "You stupid bitch, that won't work! It needs to be that gay nigger's fingerprint!" Soulja Boy scratched his chin, then a light bulb appeared over his head. "Yo, Hulk dawg, can you break down this door man?" Hulk was like "Pfft. Can I? More like will I!" So Hulk focused all of his eneru-gy into his fist and punched the door down. Spencer's security must've been shit, because no alarms went off, no guards tried to stop them or anything. Behind the door was a dark, gigantic fortress. They went in, searching for Spencer. So, the seven of them went in. “Wait!” said Sci-Fi. “What is it? Do you want to have sex with me?” asked Brooke. Brook slapped her. “Maybe we should wait for Duke to get here. This is probably a trap because this all seems so easy. We need Duke with us!” said Sci-Fi. Hulk shook his head. "Come on guys, Duke wouldn't want us to stand around waiting. The fate of our lives and the fate of Duke City is depending on us! We don't have a moment to spare! Besides, he's a quick shitter, he'll be here any minute now, I just texted him and told him where we were." Everyone looked a little uneasy, but figured this was the best way to go about it. So they continued on, and then the floor suddenly split into two, and then the two parts retracted into each side of the wall. The seven of them fell into a dark, black pit, which appeared below where they once stood. So then, they found themselves face-to-face with Spencer himself. He flicked his hand, and a rainbow force field trapped the gang. Unfortunately, Hulk couldn't break this one. "Mua ha ha," said Spencer. "Everything's going exactly as planned. Now meet my creation, and your doom... MECHA LOTSO." The floor opened up ahead, and Mecha Lotso raised up. He was ten times as big as he used to be. Soulja Boy gasped. "It's that talkin' ass bear with the stick!" he said. "Mecha Lotso," said Spencer, pointing to Brooke, "take that broad to the penis-transplant room." "As you wish, master," said Mecha Lotso. He was able to reach through the force field and grabbed Brooke. "BROOK, HELP MEEEEEE!!!" screeched Brooke. Mecha Lotso disappeared with her. So, Brook was like “fuck! I can’t save her! What are we going to do?!!” and then Sci-Fi yelled “HULK! This is all your fault! You should’ve listened to me!!” Hulk growled. "SHUT UP! HOW WAS I TO KNOW THIS WOULD HAPPEN?!" Soulja Boy tried to calm them down "Guys, this ain't no time to argue. We gotta figure out a way outta this." Spencer cackled. "Way? Out?" he said. "Don't be ridiculous. There's no way out of this rainbow force field. YOU ARE D--" but just then, Spencer was lifted up off the ground, his rainbow powers nullified. It was Duke! He finally made it. "DUUUUUUKE!!!" everyone cheered. The rainbow force field was gone now, and everyone beat the living shit out of Spencer. Though he was close to death, he still laughed. "Oh, you guys are hilarious. Once that broad gets the penis transplant and is made my husband, Mecha Lotso is going to fire a missile at Duke City. HA... HA... HA..." he died. They realized they had no time to waste, so they ran into the penis transplant room to find Brooke. Her operation was near completion. They tried to stop it before it was finished, but Spencer’s second in command, Rainbow Gabe, stopped them and said "DONT DELETE MY COMMENTS U FUKIN PUSSYS!!!!!!!!!!111111" and summoned a giant Call of Duty disc to roll the gang over. Duke and Hulk put their fists together and punched through the disc, shards flying everywhere. Luckily, none of the gang was hit, but Gabe was all cut up, and he died. The coast was clear, they could rescue Brooke now. She looked over. "Dad, Brook! You came!" But her operation was complete. So Hulk started crying because his hot daughter now had a penis. “ok me think she kind of attractive now” said Upload. “Shut up!” said McBaldy. “Wait... the shards of the Call of Duty disc!” said Soulja Boy. He quickly grabbed one and used it to slice off the penis that was sewed onto her, so then she winced in pain for a second, but was now happy to have her vagina back. Upload frowned a little. Since Spencer was dead, there'd be no gay wedding. So now they had to find Mecha Lotso. Sirens started going off. A voice echoed throughout the fortress. "Missile launch in 60 seconds." They had to act FAST if they wanted to save Duke City. So they all decided to try and find a way to escape as they were 100 feet below normal ground. Brooke proved herself to be useful as she could blow up her titties to be like hot air balloons. She just needed two people to do so. She asked Brook to do it, and he said “I’d love to blow air into your titties, but I can’t as I have no lungs! YO HO HO! SKULL JOKE!” So Duke and Soulja Boy decided to do it. Her titties inflated. She started to rise. Everybody grabbed on, and when they finally reached the surface, the amount of time left was 10 seconds. They looked around frantically. "Where the fuck is that missile going to fire from?!" yelled Hulk. There didn't seem to be a hatch anywhere. When suddenly... It happened. The missile was fired up into the air. Everyone watched in horror, thinking it was their final moments. But the missile was a half-dud. It didn't level the city like Spencer intended, it just set the town on fire and made everything look all dark and scary. The townsfolk ran away. Dot appeared on Main Street. "Everyone. Grab ahold." The gang grabbed onto Dot as he flew them to safety. Mecha Lotso appeared. "THAT DIDN'T WORK? THEN I'LL HAVE TO KILL EVERY ONE OF YOU MYSELF." The war was beginning. The gang thanked Dot for saving them. “A problem is non-existant,” said Dot. “Would you be able to help us defeat Mecha Lotso?” asked Sci-Fi. “That, I cannot do. People must solve their own problems and they must not rely on others to do their bidding for them. That is a sign of weakness. I am the all-knowing, and I am aware if all of you work together, you can win. Please, trust me. I must be off now,” said Dot as he faded away. So then everyone got into DBZ-like battle poses. This was especially second nature for Soulja Boy, because bitch he looks like Goku. Duke and Hulk looked to each other, and nodded. They did the fusion dance, and became Huke. Huke spread his arms out. "You guys better stay back. I can handle this. It won't even talk me a half-hour." Mecha Lotso laughed. "Please. Bring it on." His arm turned into a cannon. He began firing. Huke then jumped 200 feet into the air, and once he reached Mecha Lotso, he slapped his hands together, with Mecha Lotso’s head between each palm. This made Mecha Lotso’s head crack a little bit. The rest of the gang watched. “There’s gotta be something we can do!” yelled Sci-Fi. “me build arcade machine, me just need part” said Upload. “Brook! Brooke! You two go gather some parts for Upload! Soulja Boy and McBaldy, we’ll stay here and fight alongside Huke! Got it?!” yelled Sci-Fi. So then Sci-Fi, Soulja Boy and McBaldy leaped into the air, surrounding Mecha Lotso. Mecha Lotso sparred with all of the warriors at the same time, like that episode of Dragon Ball Z where it was like "HAYAYAYAYATATATATHATAYTAHTAYTAHTA." It was tough to find parts while the city was in flames, but Brook and Brooke found the motherboard, and all that other shit needed for the arcade machine, and brought the parts to Upload. They figured their job was done for the time being, so they began to have sex. Meanwhile, Upload began working on the arcade machine as quickly as possible, and the others were still fighting Mecha Lotso. Mecha Lotso shot a beam through Sci-Fi’s chest, and Sci-Fi fell to the ground, bleeding. “Oh noooo!!!” yelled Huke, McBaldy and Soulja Boy. Upload continued to work hard on his arcade machine, and Brook and Brooke continued to have sex. Huke and Soulja Boy continued fighting off Mecha Lotso while McBaldy went to aid the severely injured Sci-Fi. So then Upload wiped the sweat from his forehead. "finally it done," he said. The Mario's Wacky Waorl.smc arcade machine was complete. Lotso actually stopped fighting, restraining Huke and Soulja Boy from attacking, to see it. "That? You believe that piece of worthless technology can defeat me? I am... MECHA LOTSO. I WILL CARRY OUT LORD SPENCER'S WISHES AND ANNIHILATE DUKE NUKEM AND HIS COMRADES!!!" But Upload plugged it in, and when the title screen music began to play, Mecha Lotso had a reaction. His eyes turned into hex instead of the digital pupils they were seconds before. He fell to the ground below, twitching. Huke and Soulja Boy took this opportunity to smash his motherfucking face in. They did so. They continued to pound the living shit out of Mecha Lotso. Elsewhere, not far from where the battle was going on, McBaldy was holding Sci-Fi in his arms. “Kevin... *cough* Please... tell the others... I’m glad I lived and I’m glad you all loved me. My only regret is not being able to live to see you finally grow some hair. Thank you...” Sci-Fi fell out of McBaldy’s arms, dead on the ground. McBaldy’s eyes rolled back behind his head, and his mouth opened real wide and his mind collapsed. Mecha Lotso, despite being fucked up, got back up again. Ignoring Huke, he went to go finish off McBaldy. So then he felt a tap on his robotic shoulder. He turned around and saw Brooke, nude. "Hey stranger, would you like some of this?" Mecha Lotso was stunned by her sexiness. He watched intensely as she danced around sexily. Huke made two clenched fists. "Lord Stell... Please... PLEASE... GIVE ME THE POWER... TO GET RID OF THIS EVIL ONCE AND FOR AAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL!!!!!!" he screamed. He threw his hand out. It was glowing bright. A gigantic beam shot out of it, too fast for even Mecha Lotso to dodge. Unfortunately, Brooke was in his path as well. The remains of Mecha Lotso flew everywhere, and Brooke was completely vaporized, but happy that her sacrifice was worth it. Brook got up. “Oh well, I can always find another bitch,” he said. Huke defused back into Hulk and Duke. “how it go” Upload said. Duke looked at the ground, with a sad look on his face. He looked away, not being able to look Upload in the face to tell him the news. Hulk was holding the unconscious McBaldy. Hulk then told Upload that his brother had been killed. Upload replied with "oh. well..." and then went silent for 20 minutes. He then began to walk away, when Duke came up with an idea. “I’ve got an idea!! We can use the Dragon Balls to wish back everyone who has fallen!” he yelled. “That won’t work,” said Soulja Boy. He continued to explain. “We just made a wish to Shenlongpenis a few weeks ago. After we made out wish, the balls were turned to stone and scattered all across the world. By the time a year passes, we’ll have to search for them again. So it’ll probably take about two years in total for us to find them again and wish them back! By the time that happens, they’ll be nothing but bones...” Brook then yelled “SKULL JOKE! YO HO HO!!” So then, rain fell down on Duke City, extinguishing the flames from the half-dud-missile. Everyone looked at the ground in silence, mourning the loss of their fallen friends. With their arms all around each other, they made their way back to Pastamania. And because McBaldy was in such critical condition, he was left to rest in the back room. Hulk, Duke, Brook, Soulja Boy and Upload sat on the couch in silence. “Fuck. What are we going to do?” asked Hulk. “Yeah, there’s gotta be a way...” said Duke. Dot appeared in front of them, out of nowhere. “My children... The Dragon Balls are a magnificent thing, are they not? Don’t stop, don’t stop, you’re in luck now. Why, you ask? There is a distant planet from here which also has its own set of Dragon Balls called Planet Namek. If you want to wish your fallen comrades back, you must travel to the planet and make your wish. I’m afraid that is all I can tell you. But if you’re ever in a pinch again, I will be there for you with my excellent advice. Good bye...” he said, as he faded again. “Another planet?! How far? Did you get the name of that, yo yo?!” asked Soulja Boy. “He said Planet Namek!” yelled Duke. “So we gotta travel to a faraway planet? Shit shit, that could be a little complicated...” said Soulja Boy. So then another miracle happened: A light shone all over the room. A voice echoed throughout the room: "Fear not, fellow WINNERS." It was Lord Stell. "I have another gift for you, for your brave deeds once again." It was another YOU'RE WINNER! trophy. But this WINNER trophy was no ordinary WINNER trophy. It was a WINNER Trophy Spaceship. So, everyone put on their space suits, which just happened to be in the kitchen for some reason, and climbed aboard the ship. Duke took the wheel, and they headed off into deep space. And while their voyage appeared to be going smoothly, the ship started spitting and sputtering, and the gang crashed landed on a weird planet with a weirdly colored sky. A planet called Mobius. TO BE CONTINUED...